Emotional Insight

A couple of evenings ago my wife, Lisa, and I attended a ceremony to recognize women in Long Beach who have made significant contributions to Jewish Long Beach.  Prior to the event, when appetizers and wine were served, I spoke to Deborah Goldfarb, the acting CEO of the organization.  She has managed to do an excellent job navigating the Jewish community during this most difficult time in both Israeli and Jewish history.  I asked her if she had made any progress with the Long Beach City Council in explaining the issues more clearly than both the news and social media have done.  She replied that they understand our position but do not necessarily accept it.

When she made this distinction, I pointed out that Albert Ellis, a former teacher and mentor of mine in psychology at Rutgers University, had made a similar distinction.  He had learned that clients often have an intellectual understanding of what their problems are but remain still stuck in the quagmire of their distorted thinking.  The point he was making is that even when clients in therapy tell you they understand what you are saying and might even agree with your perception of their problem, they still do not change.  He believed attitudinal and behavioral change come when clients not only understand and define what their problem is, but when they can accept it as a part of their being.  The key word here is what Ms. Goldfarb had referred to as acceptance.  This level of understanding Ellis labeled emotional insight.  To Ellis, emotional insight is that deeper level of understanding that an individual needs to possess as a prerequisite for behavioral change.

In a certain sense, the notion of acceptance can be likened to the work I have done with couples.  Often times each partner within a relationship will come into my office arguing that one of them is right or righter than the other.  Here it is so important to have each listen to the other’s perspective and make an effort to walk in that person’s shoes.  The idea here is to generate a sense of empathy that each feels for the other that will broaden, and frequently strengthen the couple’s bond.  I liken this deeper awareness that each partner has gained as quite similar to what Ellis called emotional insight.

Unfortunately, in our present political climate such sharing, that would facilitate a move toward acceptance by offering a more conciliatory approach, is not evident.  When we once more look at Ms. Goldfarb’s observation about the Long Beach City Council not accepting the message of Jewish Long Beach, I don’t think she was saying they have to fully agree with our side.  But if the Council could accept the complexity and ramifications of what is involved, perhaps its members would be more conducive to a change of attitude and behavior.  Of course, this same acceptance cannot be ignored on the Israeli side either.  In fact, when two warring parties are in the midst of conflict, the status quo cannot be broken until the two begin to see more deeply the plight and hurt that each is doing to themselves and to the other.