Author: docallegro

Consulting Psychologist
Specialties in: Cognitve-Behavioral Interventions, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, Stress Management, Relationship Expertise, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Fluent in Spanish

On the Departure of My Father

Recently, I observed the yahrzeit of my father’s death 25 years ago.  Yahrzeit is a Yiddish word that means time of year.  It represents the anniversary of a parent or close relative and is marked by the burning of a candle for 24 hours.  During this time, the Mourner’s Kaddish, a hymn of praise about God, is recited in the synagogue with other congregants.  I would like to share some of my reflections I wrote at the time of my father’s passing.

Upon hearing from my older brother of my father’s death, I had to rapidly change my plans inasmuch as that evening I was scheduled to give a talk on the poet, e.e. cummings, in Los Angeles.  Fortunately, I had a friend that came by and videotaped my talk.  One of the poems I planned on covering was Cummings’ elegy to his father:  my father moved through dooms of love.  Toward the end of the videotape, when I discussed Cummings’ attitude toward death and dying, tears welled up within me.  To Cummings, death was stagnant and evil, whereas the gerund, dying, to him suggested movement, captured by an invisible transformation or change of condition that man can neither alter nor impede.  Dying is perfectly natural and an extension of life.  My father had no desire to wage a war against death.  Prior to his demise, he told my brothers and me he had lived a wonderful life and was ready to die.  My father’s life ended by his dying and not by his death.

When I arrived on the East Coast, most of my relatives had already gathered in the house where my brothers and I grew up.  I immediately hugged my mother, and together we shared the fact that her husband, my father, had lived a good life.  My mother had lived with my father for 58 years, and although it was a sad time for all of us, she recognized the years with him had been filled with joy making it easier for her to accept my father’s dying as a natural stage in life.

The next day my brothers and I met with the rabbi that would preside over the funeral service at the synagogue our family belonged to when we all lived in Elizabeth, New Jersey.  The rabbi told us he would call us, after he spoke, to give our eulogies.  When I walked into the main part of the temple where the service would be held, I was amazed at all the people who were assembling.  Because there were no empty seats, there must have been close to 500 people present.  When it was my turn, I delivered the following eulogy:

          I consider myself supremely fortunate and glad that I was the son of my father.  As a boy growing up, I remember well the times when I was feeling down, when I did not want to get out of bed, but rather escape into sleep.  My father always would exhort me to get out of bed.  His message was a consistent one:  I was allowing time to slip by from my life.  Time that I would never get back again.  Time lost forever.  My father cherished every waking moment of his life.  And he, like the rest of us, faced some hard moments.  He had a passion and zeal for life that few men his age, or much younger than he, possessed. 

          There was no one more generous than my father.  If he could help a fellow human that was struggling, he would.  At the retail clothing store he and his brothers owned, he was one of the first to hire blacks to work there.  He did this because he knew it was the right thing to do, not because of political correction.  If anything, when he employed blacks, it was if anything, not politically correct.

          There were times when I would become angry at my father.   Like any close relationship, such as father-son, we had our confrontations.  But I found, as the years passed, our differences lessened.  I came to see more clearly how great my father was compared to others who had not lived their lives to the fullest.  My father’s loss of eyesight never stopped him from living and pursuing his interests.  This loss he suffered in his later years made my vision of him that much clearer.

          Toward the end of his life, we came to admire each other greatly.  The last few years of his life he would call me in California at all hours to express his admiration of me.  It was a wonderful way to gain closure.  We communicated.  No longer were there confrontations.

          God bless you Dad!  You taught me what it meant to be alive.

At the end of the memorial service, my brothers and I walked behind the limousine bearing my father’s casket.  Suddenly, a bearded man approached me and introduced himself with his wife and son. He told me that when my father’s eyesight started to fail, his son had helped my father obtain auditory learning tapes from the synagogue.  He related that when his son’s bicycle was beyond repair, my father, without asking, replaced it with a new one, to the utter amazement of his son.   It was strange.  As I walked behind the hearse with my family, that same boy looked at me as if I had descended from the heavens.  His face wore a sense of awe and wonderment that lightened my own pain by transforming my sorrow into a son’s pride of his father.

In the past, I have seen many clients in my private practice who have lost close relatives.  Several of them do not have a built-in restorative mourning process. The Jewish religion provides what are called morning minions where 10 or more people gather with the mourner for about one hour to recite the mourner’s kaddish.  Different temples throughout the community offer minions throughout the week.  The mourning period is about one year.  Subsequent to my father’s dying, I made it a point to attend at least one minion per week for one year.  I found it alleviated much of the grief I was feeling when I was around people I knew or came to know during the year I mourned my father.  Part of the healing process came as a result of my being around people who had suffered similar losses in their lives that allowed them to better understand and empathize with me in an honest manner.

Delivering Happiness

                           

I was surprised to have read recently about the death of Tony Hsieh, the eminent CEO of Zappos, a company he built up to reach billionaire status.  He died, at the tender age of 46, from smoke inhalation caused by a fire, induced by excessive drug use.  He had created a milieu of purpose and ambition that he had passed on to the many who knew him.  His abrupt loss of life reminded me of an “ex-addict” I met several years ago.

                

When I first started working at a residential program for drug addicts, I had little experience with this clinical population.  My supervisor suggested I sit in on a group that was led by an ex-addict, named Fred, who I was told had much savvy in the ways of addicts.  It was a learning experience listening to Fred talk the jibe of the addicts and not get sucked into their manipulative games.  He turned every complaint they had against the system right back on them as the root of their misery.  It was a confrontational style that the group members appeared to respect.  After observing Fred’s technique with the residents, he suddenly did not show up for work.  The news was that he had been arrested and was being held in a county jail.  Apparently, he had relapsed and started using drugs again.

About 7 or 8 years ago a friend invited me to a talk that Tony was giving in Santa Monica, California related to the steps he had taken to have hit the jackpot with Zappos, when Amazon bought it.  Mr. Hsieh impressed me with his young age combined with his evident self-confidence and ease he had in sharing his own creation of success and wealth.  Although the market is flooded with self-help books, the title of Mr. Hsieh’s book, Delivering Happiness, appealed to me.  After all, as a psychologist I’m in the business of trying to bring less suffering and more happiness to my clients.

When I read Hsieh’s book, I was not looking to make significant changes in my career.  Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading it.  The language in the book very much reflected the way this CEO had spoken about himself.  His early failed attempts at earning money on his own, in combination with his honest lack of interest in being the ideal Asian child by learning how to play a musical instrument, reflected candor.  His goofing off at college, but then determining how he could salvage a good grade in a course he had not bothered to study all semester, showed an originality in how he would deal with subsequent important business decisions.

He explained in his book how he processed information with specific details pointing out the pitfalls and successes on the way.  Throughout his piecing together a very profitable online shoe company, Zappos, he related some of his fun activities, one of which was rave parties.  Masses of people attended these parties where strobe lighting beamed down on the participants.  This form of recreation appeared to serve as an outlet for Tony, an individual who put a huge amount of effort into the development of an empire.  Mr. Hsieh had reached the quintessential entrepreneurial achievement when Zappos became a “wholly owned subsidiary” of Amazon.  This deal gave Zappos shareholders over $1.2 billion based on the value of Amazon when the transaction was finalized.

For some people the experience of a grand success can be more difficult to handle than failure.  That I believe was the case for Tony Hsieh and Michael Jackson.  Both of these hugely successful individuals had layers of relationships.  Unfortunately, the people that may have helped them the most were shut out from their lives.   A recent article published in the Wall Street Journal about Mr. Hsieh’s death stated that the entrepreneur bankrolled his followers and in return they shielded his very risky lifestyle.  Prior to his passing, he had been using nitrous oxide, a mind-altering gas, along with a mixture of other drugs and alcohol.

Although Mr. Hsieh believed he had found happiness, the way he died would prove otherwise.  Perhaps he put too much emphasis on financial success in achieving what he thought would be happiness.  We know he had a huge influence on others with many admirers who looked to him as a role model.  Both he and Fred, the ex-addict that knew how to work with drug addicts, could help others but in the end, they were unable to help themselves.   Tony understood that it is easy to become sidetracked in the present and lose sight of future goals “because of all the inertia to overcome.”  When he gave in to the inertia and the good life entailed by hedonic acts, he began to lose his foothold on a meaning or purpose that perhaps would have sustained him. 

I am convinced that when drugs and other substances become elevated to the foreground in any individual’s life, that person’s sense of reality is lost.  It is saddening to see Tony Hsieh, and the many other innovative souls let their talents go to waste, when they lose the purpose and meaning that earlier had propelled them.

A Second Renaissance or Chaos

An earlier blog I wrote, titled The Dying Slave, ended by asking whether the internet’s effect on facilitating mass communication would lead to a Second Renaissance.  One of the responses I received was: “The U.S.A. and the world has regressed to the Dark Ages.”  I pointed out how the Gutenberg Printing Press allowed an intercontinental sharing of knowledge.  I’m sure this invention allowed Shakespeare access to much of the historical information he needed to create his great works.  But because “Real” news was hard to verify during the Renaissance, many false ideas ran rampant during this period.

Similar to the Gutenberg Press, the internet increased the power of mass communication with the likes of Facebook, Twitter and other social media.  Conspiracy theory, that is the belief that an event or series of events are caused by a group operating in secret, has existed from time immemorial.  The blood libel, for example, referring to the false allegation that Jews used the blood of non-Jewish, usually Christian children, existed well before the invention of the Gutenberg Printing Press.  However, conspiracy theories can be propagated much quicker than ever before with access to the internet and its concomitant social media.

Thieves, for example, can employ technology combined with the vast amount of information made available by internet use, in a harmful way.  The internet has made it difficult to hide from trouble makers who seek to hurt us.  There are examples galore going on of this type of harassment brought on by the accoutrements found in modern day living.

Criminals are always in search of the easiest prey that they can victimize.  A few years ago, an older, woman friend was called and told her granddaughter had been in an accident, was in jail, and needed $9000 bail money to be released.  Her “granddaughter” then took the phone and pleaded with her about how badly she wanted to get out and that she would definitely have the money returned.  She then said the money had to come in the form of a money order so it could be used immediately.  My friend told me that the voice of this female sounded exactly like her granddaughter which caused her to follow the instructions given to a tee.  Soon, to her horror, she discovered that she had been swindled.  Apparently, other people have received similar communications and have fallen for this same trap called the “grandparent scam.” The internet and social networking sites, have facilitated the ease in which criminals can uncover personal information about their targets, which make the impersonations more credible.

I am constantly reminded how hackers and scammers can turn the fruits of technological innovation into not only individual, but also national peril.  Without a doubt, computer hacking is one of the most regrettable consequences of life in the Information Age.  It can occur on different levels.  According to a recent article in the New York Times, hacks were launched from inside the United States on servers run by Amazon, GoDaddy and smaller domestic providers.  When Microsoft finally detected the breach in security, it was traced to China.

On a microcosmic level, a very frequent intrusion of one’s personal space occurs when someone(s) gets hold of your personal data, and then starts sending emails to your contacts stating that you or a relative is in some serious dilemma requiring instant money to save the day.  The first time I received a message like that, years ago, it had to do with a classmate that I knew since junior high school.  It sounded compelling enough for me to want to help her but I resisted the temptation later discovering the message was all bogus.  In the past, I have had to change my email password because friends have told me they received strange notes from me that I explained were not sent by me.

Recently, I had an equally interesting experience.  My Facebook account has been hacked a few times as those of you who will receive this blog on that site know.  This has been more of a nuisance than the potential loss of money.  Changing my password initially helped.  But lately, my friends have notified me that they have received a “picture” of me asking to be their friend.  When I clicked on Facebook support, I was automatically sent to a company that wanted $5 to answer my question.  I checked the company and they did exist having a real ID with an 800 number in which I was told I would be in contact with a consultant.  I emailed my question with hope of receiving a response which was sent via text.  When I read the response, I wanted to ask the consultant a question to clarify its contents and asked if I could call.   He/She/It texted me back with a similar but shorter response.  When I once more asked for clarification, he/she/it replied in similar fashion.  Aha, I realized that it was not a human on the other end of the phone but artificial intelligence typing in an automated response to my inquiry.  Upon learning that, I called the 800 number and canceled my subscription to the monthly charge they would assess for their “help.”  I did, however, send the response I received to all my friends on Facebook.  I am hoping it will help.

I also alluded to technology as a game changer in modern life, another contributing factor, to a possible Second Renaissance.  Whether or not the increase of technology will augment human progress or hinder our growth going forward, ultimately depends on the human factor.  Technology, unleashed in the hands of the wrong actors, can be devastating.  This is why it is vitally important that we never lose sight of the democratic ideals embodied by the framers of the U.S. Constitution.  But, in addition, the advances in technology will require the development of a universal system of ethics capable of evaluating their potential good and bad outcomes. Our ability to live cooperatively has a long way to go before we can settle back safely and reap the benefits of the innovations that currently are being created.    

On Therapeutic Alliance

Sometimes a discussion between colleagues can have an unexpected effect on the way you see things. As an adjunct instructor teaching adolescent psychology at Kean College in Union, New Jersey, I met Jose Perez, who was my office mate.  Jose was in his last year at Rutgers University in the doctoral program of psychology.  Upon inquiring about that program, which I subsequently entered, one comment Jose made still stands out in my mind:  Behavior Therapy does not make Arnold Lazarus’s patients well, Arnold Lazarus makes them well.

Jose’s point is quite critical in understanding the process of therapy and its efficacy.  His reference to behavior therapy was simply to illustrate the point that even though Arnold Lazarus may be considered a behavior therapist, its methodology was not what cured the patients of Arnold Lazarus.  In truth, I am not sure whether the late Dr. Lazarus would disagree with this idea inasmuch as he recently had published a book (1971) titled:  Behavior Therapy and Beyond.  In that book he discussed a mélange of therapeutic techniques, and how he employed them as a therapist.  These techniques went well beyond what people typically attribute to those clinicians who practice behavioral therapy.

On the contrary, I recall Lazarus stating it is not theories that cure patients, but rather the selective use of therapeutic techniques geared toward their specific problems.  In an article he later wrote, he underscored the importance of selecting out the appropriate techniques for an individual, and he labeled this procedure technical eclectism.  He believed that the more therapeutic techniques a therapist understood, and knew when and how to employ, the greater success that therapist would have in treating patients. 

I gained a greater awareness of technical eclectism when I had the opportunity to observe Arnold Lazarus do therapy, with a seminar patient, in a class he taught.  After the therapy session was over and the patient left the room, the class discussed what had happened in the session with Dr. Lazarus.  I must say I was extremely impressed with the improvised techniques that Lazarus was able to come up with, but also, I was struck by the fact that what he was doing bore little resemblance to behavior therapy.

While completing my doctorate in psychology, I had the good fortune of studying under Albert Ellis, the late renowned psychologist. Dr. Ellis had a direct confrontational style in treating his patients.  But, nevertheless, he made it clear to his patients that he had an unconditional acceptance or unconditional positive regard for his clients.  So, even when he was confronting them in his typically abrasive manner, Ellis’s patients knew that what he was doing was meant to be beneficial and not harmful to them.  Similarly, the results of the methods practiced by shamans and other faith healers have to do with the interaction of the individual with that particular healer.  If the individual has a strong belief and faith in the curer, this sets the tone for a favorable outcome.  Because there is no active ingredient, such as medicine involved in the treatment, scientists have referred to the causal agent as the placebo effect.  The placebo effect can be attributed to the positive expectation the subject or patient may have vis-à-vis the treatment the he/she is undergoing.

As a matter of fact, not to detract from the capabilities of past, eminent therapists such as Virginia Satir, Arnold Lazarus and Albert Ellis, I have no doubt that patients seeking out their services were well aware of their reputations.  Prior to their first meeting with any well-known and well-regarded name in the area of psychotherapy, I am sure they had great respect and with that, a positive expectation that they would get better.  This belief of the patient creates a positive therapeutic alliance that contributes to a treatment outcome that is beneficial. 

Most therapists do not carry the prestige and fame possessed by the celebrated names of their profession.  I have honed my own therapeutic skills with a combination of course work and reading in conjunction with the experience of having seen many patients that present with different problems.  To quote Albert Einstein: “Learning is an experience. Everything else is just information.” Here, I would add as a therapist goes through the different stages of life (e.g. career path, marriage, mentor), a therapist can more easily relate to more patients, a stance that would facilitate therapeutic bonding.

In summary, the therapeutic alliance is a sine qua non between patient and treating doctor.  No matter how intelligent or competent you are, if the patient does not like you or does not have a good opinion of you, your efforts to help that person will go in vain.  A client will more likely let you enter into his life if you have established good rapport with that individual.  That gets you in the door.  From there, you will need to apply whatever techniques you deem appropriate to counter the client’s issues in the therapeutic process.  I agree with Dr. Lazarus that the more therapeutic techniques you have mastered in combination with your experience, the greater likelihood of success you will have in dealing with the myriad of problems your patients may be facing. Although I specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy, the key to my success has been to tailor my techniques to the specific needs of my clients.

The Dying Slave

While studying the History of Art in my third year at college, my reaction to seeing Michelangelo’s sculpture of the The Dying Slave projected on a slide screen still remains crystal clear.   I could hardly anticipate its arrival and when it came, after so many lesser works I had seen, I was awestruck.  My reaction was like that of a child gazing in amazement the first time she had beheld a rainbow.

I barely paid attention to the professor who gave some brief facts about the sculpting of the piece.  The slave’s face wears an incandescent glow that lends a proud indifference as his body appears to pull him back away from the life he has lived.  His muscular torso represents that of a strong individual unafraid of the consequences of his actions.  If this is his last gesture on earth, he will let the world see his fortitude before his captors take him away.  His physical posture, almost nonchalant, one arm is thrown across his chest with the other, his right arm, thrown behind his head, conveys a sardonic air. These arms telegraph a source of strength and perhaps some defiance toward those who seek to end his life.

Michelangelo’s statue moves us to see a human dying, yet at the peak of his physical powers.  He is young and virile, hardly the picture of an individual whose maltreatment may have drained his strength.  Even on the threshold of death, we are able to see in him the classical features of early Greek art.  It is this obvious incongruity perhaps that, unwittingly, drew me to the underlying power and beauty embodied by the sculpture.

I view this work by Michelangelo as characteristic of what the Renaissance, that is rebirth, represented that began in the 14th century.  Humans had emerged from the bloodbath of pestilence, disease and warfare to begin to tap into their innovative and artistic energies to create a new more beautiful sense of life that had been lost during the Dark Ages.  The wealth of human savoir-faire and knowledge started in Italy and branched out throughout Europe.  It was a time when human achievement had reached the pinnacle of one’s esteem.

Years later I visited the Louvre in Paris.  Most people that go to the Louvre want to see the Mona Lisa, painted by Leonardo da Vinci.  Rather than competing with the tourists, waiting their turn to make it to the first row of sightseers, I immediately descended into the basement of the Louvre where I knew The Dying Slave was stored.  Few people know about this location so I had the basement of the Louvre and Michelangelo almost to myself.  There I saw the original sketch that Michelangelo drew before working on the actual marble.  I took a picture of the statue with its drawing, framed it and, since, have kept it. Whenever I happen to look at it, I am reminded of the greatness of both the human spirit and its potential.

As we emerge from the pandemic that has taken so many lives, hopefully, we can once more open the door to the ingenious inventions that have sprung from our technological prowess.  Just as the Gutenberg Printing Press spread the accomplishments of the Renaissance masters throughout the world, today’s Internet has increased, beyond all measure, our ability to communicate.  Perhaps we are entering into a Second Renaissance.

Why I Became a Psychologist

Recently, a pre-doctoral candidate in psychology asked me why I became a psychologist.  That question I have thought about in the past, with the implicit recognition, that the answer was not a simple one. I need hearken back to childhood to best respond to this young woman’s inquiry.

The American playwright, Tennessee Williams, once said: “Happiness is insensitivity.” As a child, I still very much remember the hurt I felt in the 1st grade when a friend left me, stranded in the classroom, waiting for him. Because the event did not affect him in the same way it did me, I am quite sure he has no recollection of it. I have carried this sensitivity to others to the present day.  In fact, when I express my hurt that someone’s comment may have caused me, whether intended or not, my wife, Lisa, will plead with me to let it go.  Good advice but most difficult to follow.  Life can be wonderful, but at the same time, we humans can be most cruel to one another.  My mother once told me: “We criticize the living but we eulogize the dead.”

I believe the insensitivity that Williams spoke about was twofold: 1) Handling the nasty comments and then 2) hurling nastier insults toward others.  People that have a good sense of self   probably manage the give and take of everyday life without being thrown off balance.  They keep their cool or equilibrium.  At an early age, the pain I experienced from the words and actions of those around me, most prominently my classmates, made me seek a path that would result in minimal torment.  So, the weapon I chose to fight my proclivity of deep sensitivity was to make friends with as many people as I could.  I intuitively knew that if I was to be critical of my peers, I would have to bear the brunt of their embittered reactions.   I did not want to put myself in that position.  Rather than criticizing others, I complimented them, at times, perhaps, excessively.  My ability to have friends from all walks of life enabled me to stave off much of the harsh comments that otherwise may have come my way.

The late psychologist, Nathaniel Branden, who I met in Los Angeles, told me that the pain he had experienced growing up facilitated his work as a therapist.  That is to say, as he mentioned, he could feel the suffering of his clients.  I very much resonated with this observation inasmuch as a child, and afterwards, I frequently felt the emotional hurt endured by close companions.  My own keen sensitivity allowed me this very important therapeutic power of empathy, that is the ability to experience what another person is feeling.

I first became intrigued with the process of psychology, in high school, when my friend Marc and I met on a number of occasions with another friend who had indicated to us the serious nature of some of his problems. I remember Marc being an “armchair therapist” making some brilliant comments in his attempt to help our mutual buddy.   Perhaps it was a combination of my sensitivity and empathy that brought me closer to my companion whose pain I could almost feel.  I was both excited and gratified to realize that listening and responding in an understanding way held healing powers.

I did not major in psychology because the prerequisites required a strong scientific and math background, not my strong areas of study, at the university I attended.  Instead, I decided to major in cultural anthropology. In my sophomore year, I took a course in abnormal psychology, taught by Dr. Julius Wishner, I found captivating.  Upon graduating from college, I joined the Volunteers in Service to America (VISTA) which now goes under the rubric AmeriCorps Vista, with the hope of giving me a year to figure out what I would do when it was time to become an adult and take on the responsibility of making a living.

I very much remember that day in August.  I had been assigned to a community action program in Moses Lake, Washington where there had been some racial disturbances. It was located east of the Cascades where there is little rainfall and very dry conditions.  It was a hot Sunday afternoon and, while sitting in the building where I would meet with my supervisor, I asked myself “where do I go from here.” By that time, I was quite sure I wanted to go into a human service area where I could directly help people.  I had majored in cultural anthropology and, though I had enjoyed my work, I never felt stimulated in the same way as I had when I had taken the course in abnormal psychology.   I then turned my mind to sociology, thinking about the possibility of either being a sociologist or social worker.

My thinking at the time was that sociology and anthropology dealt with people in groups.  However, the practice of psychology concerned itself more with individuals and, for me, the most intense and meaningful conversations, had always occurred on a one-to-one basis.  This is where I was most comfortable and also where I appeared to be at my best.  I then understood explicitly what I probably had known all along, and pretty much from that day on, my course was set straight toward becoming a professional psychologist.

Tom Brady Does It Again

My last blog spoke to the meaning of heroism.   Great athletes are not thought of as heroes, but rather as stars, a term reserved for the entertainment industry of which sports is one.  I confess that I never was a fan of Brady inasmuch as I have remained loyal to my childhood team, the New York Giants.  Moreover, I was delighted when the underdog Giants, with Eli Manning quarterbacking, defeated the Patriots in the 2008 Super Bowl by a score of 17 to 14.  This loss broke the New England Patriots undefeated season and yielded a large payoff to those betting on a Giant win.

However, perhaps the most spectular of all Bowl games occurred in 2017 when the Patriots met the Atlanta Falcons to decide Super Bowl LI.  In that contest, with the Patriots losing 28-3 with 8:31 left in the third quarter, the Patriots went on to tie the game 28-28 and win in overtime 34-28.  Yours truly, Tom Brady, played a key role in this amazing Patriot come from behind triumph. 

When the Patriots lost to the Titans in the first round of the playoffs on January, 2020, most of us thought it was time for Brady to hang up his cleats and retire.  After all, he already claimed six Super Bowl titles, and at 42, he had reached an age regarded as ancient for most athletes, even the great ones.  Compared to his previous years, Brady had performed in subpar fashion.  The human body reaches its physical peak in the 20’s, with gradual decline, each year afterwards. 

But when Brady left the Patriots to join a franchise accustomed to losing, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, in the 2020 season, he defied his body and the odds.  Being inclined to root for the underdog, I began to cheer for Brady and Tampa Bay as they competed in the playoffs. Brady had recruited three players, two of whom had played with the Patriots, Ron Gronowski and Antonio Brown, and the third, Leonard Forchette.  These three teammates all were instrumental in helping the Patriots win the Super Bowl against the favored Kansas City Chiefs.  As the game got underway, I thought the 3 ½ point betting odds favoring the Chiefs, the team that had won the Super Bowl the previous year, were way too low.  The week before, the Buccaneers had upset the Green Bay Packers 31 to 26, despite the fact that Brady was hardly at his best, throwing three consecutive pass interceptions during the second half.  But the Tampa Bay defense hung on for the win. 

I drew two conclusions from the Tampa Bay victory over the Packers:  1) Either Brady simply was unbeatable or 2) He was just lucky enough to win after a lackluster performance on the gridiron.  Kansas City had a starring quarterback in Patrick Mahomes II, who at 25 years of age, was in his prime.  I thought that Brady and the Buccaneers would need more than good fortune to overcome the returning Super Bowl champions.  Like many others, I guessed wrong.  The Buccaneers took advantage of some misplays and penalties by the Chiefs that gave Brady plenty of room to operate.  He made 21-out-of 29 competed passes with three touchdowns to win the Buccaneer’s second Super Bowl.  In so doing, Tampa Bay won eight straight games on its way to a Super Bowl LV title with Brady being chosen as MVP in that contest.  I always have said it is the mark of a great team that can take advantage of their opponent’s mistakes.  Brady, the great player he is, made sure that he would not let his teammates down, and they responded to the challenge with a superior defense that never let up.  Great players frequently inspire those around them to perform at a higher level.  Such was the case of the Buccaneers’ defense that relentlessly rushed Mahomes throughout the game forcing him to consistently miss his targets. 

Brady’s record seven Super Bowl rings is not likely to be surpassed soon. Will his streak continue?  He assured the fans he would be back next year, so let us see.  

On Heroism

On Thursday morning, I ate a quick breakfast, finished sipping the last grains of coffee and turned on Zoom to meet with my friend, Chuck Sooter, who I first met doing voluntary mediation for Small Claims Court cases in Fullerton, CA.   We have been meeting every other week, for several months, discussing whatever issues might interest us.  Despite our advancing age, we share one thing in common:  We have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.

Chuck’s latest interest had to do with polysemes or how different words can take on an assortment of meanings.  But before we both began to give examples of polysemes, I had a pressing urge to bring up a topic of a different nature:  Aleksei Navalny’s voluntary return to Russia.  Here was a man who had come close to losing his life by poison, an act that surely possessed a Russian imprint, returning to confront his would-be killers directly, rather than choosing the much safer path of exile.  Amazed at the personal sacrifice and risk by returning Navalny was making, I asked Chuck: “How could one be so brave?”  To which he replied by mentioning Mahatma Ghandi and Nelson Mandela as two such people.  Of course, there are others but in proportion to the world population, those that behave heroically during their lives are few and far between.

Because I knew Chuck had served as a U.S. Marine during the Viet Nam War, I did not doubt his courage, so I asked whether he would be able to match Navalny’s bravery.  He said “no”, and oddly enough, I felt vindicated because I knew deep in my heart that returning to the bed of Hell that awaited Navalny most probably would not be the action I would pursue.

Leaders such as Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, Anwar-Sadat and Yizhak Rabin all held one thing in common from the rest of us earthlings.  The cause they sought to achieve had a greater meaning than their own individual lives.  In Sadat and Rabin’s case, each of them strove to make peace with the enemy of their people to reduce the bloodshed lost to war embraced by each country’s hatred toward the other.  The others died in their efforts to achieve a sense of parity for the different groups within the boundaries of their nation.

Of the above leaders, Nelson Mandela was the only one that was not assassinated.  But, nevertheless, because he spent 27 years incarcerated, he paid a huge price for his beliefs.  After an unsuccessful attempt to kill him, no doubt Navalny knew the risk he took in returning to Russia to face the consequences.  But he understood that his visibility was a much larger threat to Vladimir Putin’s dictatorial reign than his staying out of Russia and writing about the unfairness and inequities existing in Russia.  Aleksei’s return was a direct hit on the governing regime insofar as he was able to let his people view a videotape showcasing the exorbitant life style evidenced by Putin’s palace.  While being sentenced in court, he expressed his feelings directly to Putin’s evil and corrupt rule when he said: “Well, now we’ll have Vladimir the Poisoner of Underpants—that’s how he will go down in history.”

Great leaders and heroes share one important quality in common:  Their foremost concern is not themselves, but rather the overall good of their people.  This characteristic is quite the opposite of many politicians whose primary concern often is their own individual advancement.   By virtue of the fact that they are heroic, these feats occur rarely.  But wouldn’t it be wonderful if our elected leaders strove to set goals that are better for the vast majority rather than a particular group with whom they identify?  The dearth of leadership in the West has allowed the leaders of China and Russia to gain in their influence and power.    Although Aleksei Navalny’s actions have gone a long way, he cannot do it alone.  Let us hope and pray the delegates that represent us put down their swords and work with their political opponents in a constructive way.  When our leaders work together as allies, rather than enemies, they will fortify the armamentarium so essential for a democracy to survive.  This then is not so much a plea for heroes, but rather for women and men that can go beyond their own self-interest to serve us all in a better way. 

The above men that I have given as examples of heroes were first recognized as great leaders.  Unfortunately, as I pointed out in the above, many great leaders’ lives are shortened by their brave, sometimes transformative, deeds.  They then often become memorialized as heroes.  I believe the fact that Aleksei Navalny has consciously placed himself in grave danger, by exposing the deceit and dishonesty of the ruling power of Russia, elevates him to heroic status.  We can only hope that these courageous feats do not result in his tragic ending.

Race Relations in America Year 2021: The Times They are a Changing

In honor of Martin Luther King, let me give you my perspective on race, currently a most thorny topic here in America.  After George Floyd’s ruthless murder by a white (I will not alter the convention of both white and black, when referring to people, not being capitalized) police officer, most everyone regardless of race were up in arms.  On the other hand, America elected its first Afro-American President in 2008 and, subsequently, reelected him in 2012.  We now have the first Afro-American female as our Vice-President.  These are historic events the Reverend King certainly would have looked upon with much delight.

Rather than go through an analysis on the direction of racial progress in America, I will point out two specific events I experienced, though on the surface small, I believe to reflect the bigger picture.  In 1967, I was a VISTA (Volunteers in Service to America) worker that serviced marginalized groups.  During my training in Salt Lake City, I went on a field project with an elderly retired couple from Texas, who were also in VISTA.  We had been placed with different families, and when we compared notes about the families with whom we had been assigned, the husband nonchalantly used the “N” word that quite shocked me.    

Sometime around the turn of the century, upon visiting my mother in New Jersey, I took a taxi to Newark Penn Station  enroute to Manhattan.  Although I do not recall much of the conversation, part of what the cab driver said still remains quite vivid in mind.  He indicated he was from the North Ward, an area in Newark, that was predominantly Italian.  He stated that he could understand how black people like to hang out together, just like he, an Italian, enjoyed staying with his friends where he resided.  Though he may not have been open to having relationships with Afro-Americans, he was able to acknowledge their right to live peaceably in Newark as equal to his right to live there.

In prior years when I would take a taxi, the drivers often made comments that had an underlying malicious tone.  In more recent years, I have observed the tone of such comments by the drivers to be much less embittered, more toward accepting, rather than bad mouthing their black neighbors.  Taxi drivers, like barbers, hear from all sources and very often echo back the sentiments of the varied clients with whom they have contact.  In this sense, they may serve as cultural barometers.

The Civil Rights Movement in the ‘60’s, led by the actions of Martin Luther King Jr., ended the systematic discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex or national origin in employment practices, schools and at the workplace.  By 1967, major civil law legislation had been passed, outlawing racial segregation in schools, public accommodations and employment discrimination. The passage of the Civil Rights Act ended the flagrant abuses of de jure (that is, by law) discrimination.  This is not to say that de facto (by fact, but not sanctioned by law) discrimination does not exist.  Without a doubt, it still does.  A change in laws does not magically change people’s attitudes toward others.  But at least not condoning or permitting racial discrimination by decree or order brings the level of consciousness of such action to a much higher level.

Although some form of anti-Semitism has been with us since ancient times, and yes it still exists in America, it is much less pervasive here than in other countries.  Unfortunately, hate has been with the human race for time immemorial.  Despite this fact, the Harvard psychologist, Steven Pinker, has demonstrated in his studies that the level of human violence throughout the world has decreased over time.  He documented his findings in his book:  The Better Angels of Our Nature.  Let us hope the manifestation of hate into murderous acts continues to diminish.

Uttering the “N” word today is considered much worse than any expletive one might say in anger.  Perhaps not for all, but I would maintain for many, this word has a very pejorative connotation that the couple I met in VISTA did not recognize.  I don’t think, even the most cynical of us all, can contest the progress in race relations since the time of Martin Luther King Jr.  But despite these positive changes, the recent rise of white supremacist antipathy for minorities, such as Jews and Afro-Americans, threaten to throw us back to the past.  Let me end with a quote from Coretta Scott King, the late wife of Martin Luther King:  “It is the very nature of this fight for civil rights and justice and equality that whatever gains we make, they will not be permanAent.  So, we must be vigilant.”

Football Interlude

I need a time-out from the commotion and craziness of the past few weeks.  The world of sports provides us with a wonderful escape from the stark realities of the day. Although it may not be true in today’s political universe, athletic events usually have an underlying basis to their rules and regulations.  Once an avid New York Giants fan, my attraction to the sport waned many years ago.  However, during the playoffs, at the end of the season, my interest perks up.   

Because I am much more into baseball than football, I have not paid too much attention to rule changes in professional football.  However, a noticeable development in the game did not make a lot of sense to me:  The kickoff and its return.  Way back in the ‘50’s, the kickoff would be at the 40-yard line of the team kicking the ball.  If the ball went into the endzone and was not returned, play would begin at the 20-yard line of the receiving team.  Because the performance of athletes has improved over time due to better exercise routines, better equipment and greater strength, the kickoff would wind up deep in the endzone with no return.  This eliminated the possibility of a return that had been viewed as one of the most exciting plays in a football contest.

Apparently, the line of scrimmage (where the ball is kicked from) at one time had been pushed back to the 30-yard line in professional football making runbacks much more probable by the receiving squad.  However, subsequently, the line of scrimmage was moved up to the 35-yard line, once more, resulting in many kickoffs again not to be returned.  But additionally, if the ball was not returned (in both college and pro football), it automatically came out to the 25-yard line, 5 yards further than previously.  Because it is harder to reach the 25-yard line on a return, this reduced the incentive to run back a kickoff.  Furthermore, balls that were fielded in play (that is on the playing field and not in the endzone) had to be returned.  Now, however, these balls could be caught in play and not returned, moving the ball, once more up to the 25-yard line.

When players choose not to return the ball, thereby, bringing the ball up to the 25-yard line, a potentially exciting play occurs much less frequently.  I decided to ask my cousin, Mike Natelson, who is a sports enthusiast, why the kickoff return had been eliminated.  His answer, unlike recent political events, made sense:  The kickoff return resulted in more injuries than any other play.   Huge guys running at full speed for 60 to 70 yards make a big impact when they hit or tackle the return player.   By reducing the number of football returns in each game there is less likely to be an accident. 

Football is indeed a dangerous sport.  But now that management can no longer deny the risks to body and brain that result from the game, they are taking some important precautionary measures.  In most cases, apparent contradictions or inconsistencies can be understood if one takes the time to investigate them.  However, often human emotions take precedence over reason blinding us to best solutions.  One need not look further than at the many crises and gridlock we currently face in the political arena but this is grist for another essay.